Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Ode to a government bureaucrat

The portrait of a fried egg hangs on your wall
It's your daily object of desire
They call you the government oddball
Because you don't care if you manage an empire

Let others care about small town affairs
You dream of fried eggs and six pounds of steak
To the one who threatens your laziness, beware!
Your icy blue eyes will make him shake

Libertarian to the core
You give school kids grenades for a present
Sir, what's government for?
they ask of you, valiant
All you say is,: "Nothing, it's a bore!"

Yet there's that crazy side to you
The saxophone, the mad ex-wife
And through Pawnee, you blow
With virile sex appeal, unseen in life

While passions for parks leave you cold
When tempers flare and deputy directors shout
They rely on your intervention, cause you're so controlled
You frown at the head butting, and then bail them out

What's irresistible , Ron Swanson, is this:
That slight air of inconvenience with which you dismiss
All of Pawnee's employee storms and scandals
And to the barrel of your gun, you blow a kiss.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

This product says:

Thank You For the Memories

Thank you for the memories
Though I will never relive
The magic I felt so close to you
I'll reminisce as I lay in dark alleys

You unwrapped me with unequaled excitement
You unfolded me with careful precision
You caressed me and with one swift swoop
I fit snugly around your firm skin

Thank you for the memories
For what's to come is unforgettable
You guided me to unknown land
If I lived longer, I'd sing about it in a novel

Carefree, you let me enjoy the moment.
Gently rocking back and forth with me
I am your knight and shining armor
I brought her caresses of spearmint

She didn't even notice my presence
That's how slender my shape was
But when your passion carried you away
I held you back within my gates.

Thank you for the memories
I was the one to seal your union
And what more could I hope for
Than a life lived to its fullest
As your one-time, explosive companion...

Yours, the Durex Condom

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Sloppy Joe Sushi- a radio commercial

Troy is recording an online video profile for a dating website on his computer

Hellooo, ladies! ....My name is Troy and I'm ..uhm..new to the city ...and to online dating, ha!
Ok...I love chardonnay, long walks by the lake, and... uhm...
I love Sushi.
Every day, every night, sushi, sushi, sushi.
Sorry, I'm getting excited but... I just love...
Tako, Ebi, Saba, Maguro and Hamachi!
(Gasps for air)
I work for a bank...and there's this sushi place...
Oh, God, excuse me, but I am so hungry for sushi right now...
Tobiko, Unagi, Toro and Smoked Sake. Spicy Tuna roll!
I'll take you!

Male voice (becoming louder in the background)
DUDE, where's the Manwich? I can't make Sloppy Joes without Manwich, you know that!
(Pause) Why are you reading a menu out loud ?

Are you KIDDING? No Manwich??? No Sloppy Joes??? WHAT???
Uhm.. Ladies, I swear I love sushi and.. uhm...in particular, Sloppy Joe sushi.

It's Ok to fess up, Troy. Ladies love Sloppy Joes, too. Manwich. Be yourself.